I can deal with fear, not sure about angry husbands

IMG_4058End of June we went for a few days to Center Parks with the kids. Its a kind of middle class Butlins, with lots of sports activities and swimming facilities, which are help full in getting feeling back into my hands and feet.

One of the awful things about cancer, is that any old ache or pain can be a reminder accompanied by the sinking feeling in your stomach before reality sets in. On the way down we stopped for petrol and I went in to pay, then Isabelle came into use the toilet and came over to me in the que. Whats that on your lip she asks? I put my hand on my mouth and there is a smear of blood. I send Isabelle back to the car and  I go into the toilet, cant see anything on my lip, I clear my throat, there is blood in my spit. Shit! The cancer has spread to my lungs, Ok stay calm, I wont say anything to Janette until the weekend is over, I walk over to the car,  this is the end, I dont want to go to Centre Parks anymore, I just want to go home. I open the door and get in. Your noes is bleeding says Janette, I put my hand to my nose, I was having a minor nose bleed that had gone back in my throat first.

Anyway there are lots of activities to do in Centre Parks and I intended walking and swimming a lot. I was in the “lagoon” playing with the kids and this vision appears at the entrance in an orange bikini. She was absolutely gorgeous with an hour glass figure, one of the kids splashed me to get my attention and the woman had disappeared. Later the kids wanted to go on the “rapids” slide, I declined opting for the less active “landscaped” groto like jacuzzi, as my stomach was still tender after the colostomy reversal and told them to meet me there when they were finished.

There were a lot of people in the jacuzzi and I was looking for somewhere to sit. There she was again the girl in the orange bikini right in front of me. Her bikini top like two buoys floating on the bubbling water and as luck would have it the only place to sit was beside her. I tried not to stare too much and close my mouth as I sat down beside her, praying my balance would not let me down and I would topple over. The corner of my eye could not resist a peek at her cleavage as I let myself down on the seat beside her. I was thinking,  as I have kissed the “Blarney Stone”, I should engage her in conversation while waiting for the kids.

What do you think you are doing? she shouts. How could she have noticed the corner of my eye, I thought! She jumps up and I notice my arm and hand rise with her, as it  has been resting on her thigh, not the seat. She pushes it away aggressively . I am sorry! I say, I have a peripheral neuropathy and did not realise my hand was on your leg. To which she responded I have a pervs on my leg and realised, as she got out before I had time to show her my scars. I have always maintained nothing embarrasses me, but as I had to sit there waiting for the kids to come and get me, I wanted to be sucked down the plughole. In addition I was terrified the woman was  going to come back with a husband. Then when the kids do arrive, the heads start shaking again, assuming I must be a terrible father.  Never saw her again, she may have run out of the place after that.

I am getting stronger and fitter from the swimming, but I will have to do something to speed up the return of fine movement and sensation in my fingers and feet, perhaps my mothers Dolls House might have a solution.


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About Richard Lanigan

Born 1957, have 4 children. Was diagnosed with stage three rectal cancer in March 2011.

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